Splattered Paint

pandemonium-chOu'2

People used to think of me as a creep. I am someone who's avoided by everyone before. I just stare, stay quiet and walk away. A girl with very low presence that's what they always say. My life is not abrasive . I was born in a mere family. We are not poor nor rich but we do not struggle to survive. The thing is I will always be the pain in the neck in our family. I always brought that awkward feeling and that apparent aura. Why is that so? I don't know, it's just that they used to not understand me.

"Splat...splat...splat" that sound signifies that I was already awake during my past summer days. I used to splatter paint when I am not on the mood. Splattering paint makes me feel calm.There was that saying that goes " I paint in order not to cry". It was something that I could not forget from my childhood but the ugly thing is I kinda' revised it into I paint in order not to hurt myself. Most of my subjects before are morbid stuffs. It intends to portray about killing, surviving and suicides.

I don't really know why I did those stuffs buts that's really what I am good at. Looking at me might confused people. I look like someone who was so fragile and could not even hurt a single fly but that's just the outside me. I used to have this empty hole inside me. A hollow part of me that needs to be filled-in. Questions that needed to be answered that messed up my mind back then.

My life was a boredom before. I wake up, eat, go to school, come back and then pretend to study. That same routine is what I followed everyday. I only go out when I am called or asked to do something. I did not know how I survived those days in my life. The only thing I did to manage myself is to listen to music and paint. Painting saved me and helped me to control my self.

One of the crazy habit I used to do was painting a lady using an acrylic paint and paste it on our mirror. That was just for fun actually and a little satisfaction of myself. Making those stuffs made me feel better. My sketches and drawings before tries to show the feeling hidden inside me. There was that point in my life that I cut my hair tied it on my broken brushes and used it as a brush. It did not work well like camel hairs but I am so proud while using it. That bad habit was stopped the moment my mother knew about it. For her I am slowly killing myself but for me it was something like permaculture stuff and being practical.

My family noticed my hobby long before so I was enrolled in an art curriculum. It was one of the best part of my life so far. High school was great. I met new friends new people and I learned how to get along with others. We were groups of student that was divided into different clusters depending on our abilities. I was enrolled in the Visual arts of course. I had fun being one with them though I learned nothing. I learned nothing as an artist but I learned a lot as a student- a drafting student. All of those experiences were just like a mere copy of some classic way of drawing and painting. It was never art for me cause' my thoughts and passion were limited. Thinking outside the box is bounded. It was hard for me at first but I know that it has a reason and those tears that I wasted were just a part of my training. 

I could still remember that moment when  I went to my art teacher's office with tears falling and heart beating so fast. That was my own way bravery. I defended my works on how I got those ideas and how I got those techniques. The unnoticed black ship? Yep that was me. People don't know how I got low grades for not having a model and for using surrealism as a technique. Maybe the best line that I have before is that " Sir as an artist, I don't plagarise" and that ended our discussion. Thinking of it makes me laugh. I wonder how not sane I was for doing that. All I know was that I need to clear those up. I don't like showing people exhibit of copied works.

Right now I am in the University of the Philippines Cebu studying as a fine arts student encoding on someone's laptop about my early life as an artist. I know I have something to prove. We all have. I don't know if I am that good or bad in painting but I know someday I can follow my dreams. I know someday I can create a master piece out of those splattered paint of my past.

.